The Brave Girl Blog Navigating Friendship Challenges and Confidence

 In our ongoing discussions within The Brave Girl Tribe, our vibrant community for girls in 5th to 8th grade, a popular topic has emerged—building confidence in uncomfortable situations.

Our members shared stories about times they felt out of place or nervous, sparking a meaningful conversation and a desire to learn to be more confident when uncomfortable.

We all feel awkward or intimidated, especially in unfamiliar situations or around people we don’t know well. Our worry tries to protect us, making us crave comfort and predictability. When life becomes uncertain, this worry can make us uncomfortable and shake our confidence.

As parents and educators supporting girls, it's crucial to understand the challenges they face. Research on tween and teen girls has revealed several key insights about building confidence.

Here are the realities for our girls:

Studies show that girls' confidence levels drop significantly, with a 30% decrease between ages 8 and 14.
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Summer should be a time of joy and freedom, yet it often brings unique social challenges, especially for our girls.

Many parents have reached out to me this summer seeking advice on supporting their daughters who are navigating social hurdles. These girls are anxious about encountering their ex-best friends at summer gatherings, feel discouraged from participating in activities due to 'Mean Girls' at camp or work, and struggle with feelings of isolation because they aren't in the popular group.

I understand how tough it can be to see your daughter come home in tears with you left wondering, "Why is this happening to my daughter? How can I ease her pain?"

While these situations are undoubtedly challenging, they also provide invaluable opportunities to develop resilience and confidence.

 Validating Experiences and Finding Solutions

As parents, it's crucial to acknowledge and validate your daughter's feelings when she faces social challenges. A simple acknowledgment can go a long...

I want to share a simple yet powerful guideline that can help our daughters become more thoughtful in their daily interactions. This insight, known as the '30-Second Rule,' comes from Ms. Natalie Ringold, a 4th-grade teacher who shares her wisdom on Instagram under the handle @always.upper.elementary. Through a compelling Instagram Reel, Ms. Ringold introduces us to this valuable concept, encouraging kindness and thoughtfulness in everyday moments.

The "30-Second Rule" is a simple yet effective guideline that can greatly improve social interactions: If someone can't change something about themselves in 30 seconds or less, then it's not something that should be pointed out.
For example, if someone has spinach in their teeth or a tag sticking out of their shirt—go ahead and tell them quietly. These are helpful comments because they can quickly rectify the issue. However, critiquing someone’s outfit, their body shape, color or texture of their hair, or any other aspect that...

 As the school year draws to a close, we're all caught in a whirlwind of activities. Amid this bustle, the reality of the year's end can bring a mix of emotions that catch us off guard. Understanding how to navigate these emotional complexities is crucial, not just for our kids but also for us as parents.

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Year-End Transitions

Endings and new beginnings often bring a cocktail of emotions—pride, grief, melancholy, relief, and joy. It's important to let ourselves fully experience these feelings. Inspired by a recent episode of Lynn Lyons' podcast, Fluster Clux, discussing the big emotions around graduation, I'm reminded that these transitions are significant for everyone involved—whether moving from elementary to middle school, from middle school to high school, or venturing off to college.

Four Quick Tips to Survive the End of the School Year Chaos (Courtesy of Lindsay B Jernigan in Psychology Today):

Feel Your Emotions: Take a moment to...

Life can throw a lot at us. For parents, the mix includes juggling work, managing the home, and being there emotionally for our kids as they tackle their own challenges.

Our tween and teen girls are navigating the tricky waters of school life, dealing with the pressures of friendships and the constant comparisons that come with growing up.

Amidst all this, a common thread weaves through our experiences—the inner critic.

The Inner Critic is the voice that whispers doubts and insecurities, making you feel inadequate and fearful of failure.

It might tell you:

"No one likes you!"
"Why bother trying out for the team when you're not that skilled?"
"That test score was just a fluke."
"This outfit isn’t working. Why did you think it would?"
"You're just not smart enough!"
"You’re too annoying to be likable."
"You're dull; do you ever do anything exciting?"

Everyone has an inner critic, a negative voice, or what some call a self-saboteur. It acts like a frightened child,...

One thing you may not know about me is that I love to learn.

I am surprised by my love of learning as I was not an eager student in high school, but today, I am excited to participate in the SPACE Program training with the Yale Child Study Center led by Dr. Eli Lebowitz. SPACE stands for Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions.

As a parent I have supported my child when they have felt anxious and I am sure you have had to support your child through their worry or anxiety as well. It can be so challenging to know what to do and if what you are doing is helping your child or making their anxiety worse.

One key insight from Dr. Eli Lebowitz is that our accommodations as parents can sometimes maintain anxiety rather than reduce it. Children are hardwired to detect threats, while parents are naturally motivated to protect their children. This dynamic can lead to a cycle of accommodation that reinforces anxiety.

The SPACE Program teaches parents how to become more supportive...

We all have those moments when our minds seem stuck in a never-ending loop, like a hamster running on a wheel.

Recently, I have found myself on a hamster wheel replaying a problem repeatedly, and I have noticed I am not alone, as many of my coaching clients are also stuck on their own hamster wheels.

That is why I wanted to share with you information about rumination.

Rumination is a term that describes a common pattern of thinking that many of us experience at times. When we are ruminating, we repeatedly focus on a problem, a loss, or a setback without moving forward into taking action.

For parents and teen girls, rumination often involves obsessing about issues, replaying them in your mind, and getting lost in those thoughts. This constant replaying can deepen feelings of anxiety, sadness, or even self-blame. It's like being stuck in a loop where you can't let go of these negative thoughts, which continue to affect your mood and well-being.

It's essential to recognize that,...

Friendships, as beautiful and fulfilling as they can be, are not always smooth sailing. We've all encountered the stormy seas of misunderstandings, conflicts, and the inevitable ups and downs of maintaining meaningful connections.

In 2016-2017, ROX Institute's Girls Index Survey found that a staggering 76% of girls reported that they believe most girls are in competition with each other. This statistic has left a lasting impression on me and evokes a sense of sadness.

This staggering statistic reminds us of a troubling truth. While friendships hold the potential to be incredible sources of support and joy, they can also become tangled webs of competition and misunderstandings, particularly among young girls. It highlights the urgent need to equip ourselves and our daughters with the tools to foster healthier, more collaborative connections.

How can we help our girls become champions of other girls?

Helping girls become champions of other girls involves fostering a culture of...

In the last blog, we began a journey to help our daughters overcome shyness and anxiety in social situations. We explored the beliefs and assumptions that often contribute to these feelings. Today, we're delving deeper and providing strategies to change those anxiety-provoking thoughts.

Questions For Changing Anxiety-Provoking Thoughts
Examining the evidence is one of the most powerful tools in combatting anxiety-provoking thoughts.

It's crucial to recognize that our beliefs are not facts; they are merely guesses or hypotheses about how things are.

Here are some questions to help both parents and girls navigate this process:

How do I know for sure that my prediction will come true? Challenge the certainty of your thoughts. Just because you believe something doesn't mean it's guaranteed to happen.

What do my past experiences tell me about the likelihood of my thoughts coming true? Reflect on past situations where you had similar ideas. Were your predictions accurate, or did things...

Parents often ask me how they can help their shy daughters make friends. When I am asked this question, it makes me think of my younger self. One thing you may not know about me is I was a shy girl growing up. I often worried about what other people thought of me and if people would like me.

I understand how challenging it can be to make new friends. During those moments of trying to connect with others, it can feel lonely, and it might seem like it's taking an eternity to form meaningful bonds.

As a parent, I also know that this journey can leave you feeling powerless, wishing that others could see just how special and unique your daughter truly is.

The first step in supporting both our daughters and ourselves is becoming aware of our beliefs and assumptions about ourselves.

Shy teen girls may have various beliefs that contribute to their shyness or social anxiety. These beliefs can be limiting and affect their ability to make friends and engage in social situations. 

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